Dating Via Fax
Are we being discerning or just picky when we "shut-off" to someone before getting to know them or in this case going out on a date?
Case in point. This week I received an invitation for a date VIA FAX the day before Valentine's from a man who has asked me out before. Being asked out via fax is a first for me. The first time he asked me out to the Doo Dah Parade, I thought he was just telling me about an event instead of asking me out "officially." As it turned out, I already had plans for that day.
A month later, he left me a voice mail saying he was thinking of the Feast of the Three Kings and that made him think of me. Not sure what that means, but OK, some people are creative. In any case, he wanted to know if I'd be interested in some tickets to the ice hockey game that night. At first, I wasn't sure if he was just offering me free tix or what, but when he said I could bring a chaperone, then I knew for sure that this would be a date. With the short notice, again I was not available.
Frankly, I can't find any bone in my body interested in going out with this person. There is no logical explanation, just a non-interest. I don't even know if he's a Christ-follower. I actually think I would be depressed going out with him, but I don't know why. So, is that being judgmental or discerning?
I was actually ready to email him back letting him know I'm not interested in a romantic relationship, but I caught Doug's comment (see the post under A Single's Epidemic). He raised some strong points on how we may be missing out on some good relationships because we are so quick to disregard people who don't meet our "criteria." (Doug, thanks....it's good to have a guy's perspective!)
So, instead of shooting off that "rejection" email to this man, I'm going to pray about it and see if there is something that God wants to show me, especially since this poor guy has already tried asking me out three times.
Case in point. This week I received an invitation for a date VIA FAX the day before Valentine's from a man who has asked me out before. Being asked out via fax is a first for me. The first time he asked me out to the Doo Dah Parade, I thought he was just telling me about an event instead of asking me out "officially." As it turned out, I already had plans for that day.
A month later, he left me a voice mail saying he was thinking of the Feast of the Three Kings and that made him think of me. Not sure what that means, but OK, some people are creative. In any case, he wanted to know if I'd be interested in some tickets to the ice hockey game that night. At first, I wasn't sure if he was just offering me free tix or what, but when he said I could bring a chaperone, then I knew for sure that this would be a date. With the short notice, again I was not available.
Frankly, I can't find any bone in my body interested in going out with this person. There is no logical explanation, just a non-interest. I don't even know if he's a Christ-follower. I actually think I would be depressed going out with him, but I don't know why. So, is that being judgmental or discerning?
I was actually ready to email him back letting him know I'm not interested in a romantic relationship, but I caught Doug's comment (see the post under A Single's Epidemic). He raised some strong points on how we may be missing out on some good relationships because we are so quick to disregard people who don't meet our "criteria." (Doug, thanks....it's good to have a guy's perspective!)
So, instead of shooting off that "rejection" email to this man, I'm going to pray about it and see if there is something that God wants to show me, especially since this poor guy has already tried asking me out three times.
5 Comments:
Overall, your experience goes with what I heard from my single women friends the whole time I did the singles group - guys have no idea how to ask them out. Case in point: I have just started leading worship at a new 30's-40s singles group on Thursday nights, and after the speaker was done and we broke into small discussion groups. The guy in my group (I'll call him Mike) talked about a woman that he had met in August at a party and they had done things "just as friends" since then.
She had been saying things like "I really feel like I can be myself with you" etc. when they talked and went on their "dutch dinners". He wasn't sure if he should move things into a romantic relationship or not, and when I asked him if his first initial reaction to her was that he was attracted to her - sorry, girls, I know you hate to hear this but men are made to know if we could be interested in you romanticially in about 3 seconds - tops - take it up with God if you don't like that, He made us like that. Well, as I guy I was really shocked when his bewildered look never changed and he just said he didn't know.
I wonder if this guy - like maybe a lot of other Christian guys - is so confused about what it's even OK with God to feel in this area, and he might have been ignoring his gut reactions for so long to women that he literally didn't know what attraction felt like anymore?
Beyond that, men are terrified of rejection so they will do stupid things like send a fax to "ask someone out" (Fax? That's so 20th century, at least send an email!) Most men don't know that their pursit of a woman will naturally awaken attraction within her - assuming there is at least a spark of it to be fanning in her for him. So - sorry girls, we're sort of a mess as a culture and commitment is an issue for both sexes these days, and the inability to even commit to declaring enough attraction to even ask someone out is how it has shown up in single men.
Before I would go out with the man who is this desperate for a date, I would go to www.womansavers.com and see if he is listed. Many so-called Christian men are the biggest abusers of women. Think of a wolf in sheep's clothing. They know the right things to say, but their actions don't match. They are all talk..and no walk. If you are not interested in him, don't get mixed up with him. God gave us that inner voice to protect us and many times we ignore it because of pressure to "be nice", which usually comes from men. Wait for the right one; and don't settle for crumbs.
While the guy who posted may have a point regarding HIS reasons he didn't go out, such as they weren't pretty enough, or young enough, your reason was completely different. You said you weren't the least bit interested and that you might feel DEPRESSED. Whoooaa...this is a red flag that is telling you something is off. You are not saying that you don't like the fact that he dyes his hair...If he is that persistent for a first date...can you imagine how hard it would be to get rid of him after the 1st?
Hi - just wanted to let you know that your weblog prompted me to finally start my own that you might want to list for the guys perspective: http://jazzdug.typepad.com/the_love_dougter_thoughts/
For the record, I thought that when I was saying (although not in so many words) that the guy who faxed in his request for a date with you was someone that seems to be afraid of rejection and commitment, I was just commenting on WHY this condition exists with a lot of guys - not recommending that you accept a date with a guy like that. If I was a woman, I wouldn't want to help some guy work this stuff out, let them "learn" on someone else's life ;-)
I think that if you don’t like the guy, tell him and stop him in his tracks. The best thing is to shut it off and don’t let him ask again. Move on to someone that is right for you. You will be doing yourself a favor as well as him. Honesty is the best policy! He seems like a genuinely interested and an interesting guy to be able to put himself out there like that. I find the invitation via fax pretty fascinating. There is one thing that really concerns me though, in my opinion you have to really examine why you don’t like this guy…if it’s a certain behavior than you should let him go about his way, but if he’s a sincerely nice and responsible guy, you’ve got understand why you don’t like him. I know that many women don’t like guys that are nice to them, and we need to understand why so that we could know ourselves better. Could this be the case…that he is too accessible and he is no real challenge?
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