The Singlehood Phenomenon
Awhile back I received a phone call from a gal over 40 with a frantic plea, "Why hasn't God sent me my husband!?" Almost in tears and obviously frustrated and angry, she confided that a co-worker had subtly expressed an interest in her - think they call it flirting - and had thereby awakened her desire for male attention. Because this guy wasn’t a Christian, she had decided she wouldn’t let her interest in him grow.
Here I was, faced with the burning question that plagues countless of single Christian women - especially those over 35 years of age. I'll confess that I avoided answering her until she pushed it out of me after the 20th "why, why, why."
”Could it be that you're not ready?” I asked cautiously. "What do you mean?" she asked.
"Well, maybe there are some areas in your life that God wants to heal in you first," I said. She quickly fired away at my solicited rationale with examples of dysfunctional individuals who had already found their mate. She seemed confident that couldn’t be the reason.
Despite my unacceptable answer, she insisted I tell her why God hadn't sent her a husband at this late stage in her life. Up against a wall, I gave another reply, "Maybe you can find some fun things to do to while you wait. This would allow you to bring so much more into a relationship." I answered feebly. "Guys like women who exude confidence."
Like a bad streak on a game show, I could almost hear the anticipated buzzard go off. Nope, wrong answer! She didn't buy that reason either. I obviously didn’t have the answer she was looking for. Well, I don’t know if she ever found her answer because I never heard from her again.
I'm certainly not an expert and don't have the answers, but in their book "The Singlehood Phenomenon" doctors Beverly and Tom Rodgers tackle some of the possible reasons why this country has the oldest and largest singles population in history.
While I haven't read the book yet, here are the 10 reasons they give:
1. Skepticism about Love and Marriage
( I'd rather be alone than in a bad marriage)
2. Lack of Faith in God's Provision
(I'm not sure if I have a soul mate)
3. Unresolved Issues From the Past
(I always seem to attract unhealthy people)
4. Confusion About the Rules
(I don't even know how to date)
5. A Poor Understanding of the Purpose of Marriage
(I think being single may be an easier way to live)
6. Fear of Getting Hurt
(I don't want to get hurt again)
7. Wanting the Perfect Mate
(I'm not a perfectionist; I'm just picky)
8. Not Dealing with Prior Heartbreak
(I don't want to feel the pain)
9. An Unbalanced Emphasis on Career
(I want to get established before I get married)
10.Concern that My Marriage Will Fail
(I don't want to get divorced)
Like I said, I haven't read the book, but I can already identify with some of these! Maybe I should go buy the book.
Here I was, faced with the burning question that plagues countless of single Christian women - especially those over 35 years of age. I'll confess that I avoided answering her until she pushed it out of me after the 20th "why, why, why."
”Could it be that you're not ready?” I asked cautiously. "What do you mean?" she asked.
"Well, maybe there are some areas in your life that God wants to heal in you first," I said. She quickly fired away at my solicited rationale with examples of dysfunctional individuals who had already found their mate. She seemed confident that couldn’t be the reason.
Despite my unacceptable answer, she insisted I tell her why God hadn't sent her a husband at this late stage in her life. Up against a wall, I gave another reply, "Maybe you can find some fun things to do to while you wait. This would allow you to bring so much more into a relationship." I answered feebly. "Guys like women who exude confidence."
Like a bad streak on a game show, I could almost hear the anticipated buzzard go off. Nope, wrong answer! She didn't buy that reason either. I obviously didn’t have the answer she was looking for. Well, I don’t know if she ever found her answer because I never heard from her again.
I'm certainly not an expert and don't have the answers, but in their book "The Singlehood Phenomenon" doctors Beverly and Tom Rodgers tackle some of the possible reasons why this country has the oldest and largest singles population in history.
While I haven't read the book yet, here are the 10 reasons they give:
1. Skepticism about Love and Marriage
( I'd rather be alone than in a bad marriage)
2. Lack of Faith in God's Provision
(I'm not sure if I have a soul mate)
3. Unresolved Issues From the Past
(I always seem to attract unhealthy people)
4. Confusion About the Rules
(I don't even know how to date)
5. A Poor Understanding of the Purpose of Marriage
(I think being single may be an easier way to live)
6. Fear of Getting Hurt
(I don't want to get hurt again)
7. Wanting the Perfect Mate
(I'm not a perfectionist; I'm just picky)
8. Not Dealing with Prior Heartbreak
(I don't want to feel the pain)
9. An Unbalanced Emphasis on Career
(I want to get established before I get married)
10.Concern that My Marriage Will Fail
(I don't want to get divorced)
Like I said, I haven't read the book, but I can already identify with some of these! Maybe I should go buy the book.
2 Comments:
Wow, there's the billion dollar type question that people have been asking for thousands of years: "Why is God doing or not doing whatever it looks like He is doing?" I totally agree that when you don't understand your life circumstances the first thing you should do is examine yourself for any changes you need to make. This book sounds interesting, from their "causes" if I had to pick soem for me, it's picking people with problems and trying to find someone as close to my "perfect" concept as I can.
BUT - as far as the perfect part goes, I don't have people around me that are telling me that I have been dumping people that were right for me, so I tend to reject that as a reason for myself at least. The "wrong person picking" has been something I have been trying to unlearn, I tend to be attracted to people that I can "save" and most of them are "un-save-able", but I have gotten better and better at recognizing them an dnot even starting relationships when I see what's going on - of course, that hasn't stopped them from be seeking me out, it has just stopped me from trying to save them.
Sometimes, the answer is that we are not able to understand why God does or doesn't do what we want Him to do because our little brains couldn't get the logic if He told us. Believe me, I thnik we should all ask ourselves what part we need to own in why we're still single, but sometimes it is timing and like it or not we need to wait. The problem, grasshopper, is knowing the difference....and no, there is no hard and fast rule you can use for that - if I knew that, I'd have a multi-million selling book out there and I wouldn't be typing all of this stuff for free! ;-)
At the end of each chapter, the book has prayers or things to do to overcome these issues. But you're right, why are some people who have these issues already married while some of us aren't? Timing? Or maybe God has a special purpose for our singlehood i.e. blogging? LOL
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