Building Lasting Relationships: Get Truth In You!

As we close this three-day series on preparing for marriage - even before meeting Mr. Right, I want to thank Dr. Clarence Shuler for sowing into the success of future marriages by being our guest blogger. I met Dr. Shuler more than a decade ago when we both spoke at a conference in Louisiana and somehow, we hit it off. Well he's just a cool kind of guy. Since then, we have kept in touch, mostly thanks to the internet. So, Dr. Shuler, I am eternally grateful for the precious time and wisdom you've shared with us! You're doing important work in Taking the BLUR out of Relationships.

Singlesoutloud: How can Christian singles develop healthy relationship skills?

Dr. Shuler:
Sociologists’ research reveals that 90 percent of children tend to do what their parents did. So if parents were abusive or co-dependent, then in most cases, so would the child. The GOOD NEWS is the Power of Jesus Christ’s Death, Burial, and Resurrection! So we don’t have to repeat the unproductive ways of our parents or our childhood—the chain of pain can be broken!

If your family was unhealthy, then discover what a healthy family is. Ask your pastor to name healthy families in your church. Watch families in your church with children 10 years old or younger. Observe how they relate to their parents, especially the father and vice versa. Children this age don’t fake the funk.

Mentally record positive characteristics of these relationships: effective communication, patience, giving affection, etc. Consider asking these families: “What makes your family so loving?”

Visit http://www.familylife.com for resources for healthy families.

Our Building Lasting Relationships’ Seminars are increasingly attended by singles (never married or divorced). Some singles who aren’t even dating attend just to get an idea of what is involved in a Christian relationship/family. I’d like to think that my latest marriage book, Keeping Your Wife Your Best Friend, can be helpful preparation for singles.


Learn how to resolve conflict. Resolving conflict isn’t about winning the argument, but gaining mutual understanding. So be careful what you say, how you say it, and when is the best time to say it so your spouse can receive it and discuss the issue with you. If you are sharing living quarters, practice on your roommate or with your birth family if possible. Who knows, God may use this principle to heal old family wounds.


Thanks for allowing me to blog these 3 days. I love speaking, writing, consulting and life coaching.

(Visit my website: http://www.clarenceshuler.org/).


Singlesoutloud to blog readers: What practical steps will you be taking to prepare for a healthy marriage now?


To post your comments or questions, click on "comments" below:

BTW, check out yesterday's comments section where Dr. Shuler answered a question on what to do about the struggle guys are having with their identity. We gotta pray - pray - pray for the guys!

Building Lasting Relationships: Get Ready NOW!

Singlesoutloud continues with day two of how to prepare for marriage - even if you haven't met Mr. Right. This could be a way to stop the divorce rate before getting married!


Dr. Shuler is back with more pearls of wisdom. In addition to his background mentioned yesterday, here is some more! He wrote the book Your Wife Can Be Your Best Friend (2000) and a follow-up to that book Keeping Your Wife Your Best Friend (2004). He has also written articles for numerous Christian magazines: Essence Magazine (July 06 & February 07), Discipleship Journal (March/April 07), among several others.

You can listen to Dr. Clarence every 2nd and 4th Wednesday night, each month on the XM Satellite program Too Much Information (Channel 169) with host Alvin Jones (11pm-1am EST).

Learn more about Dr. Shuler's ministry, Building Lasting Relationships, at www.clarenceshuler.org


Singlesoutloud: How can single Christian women prepare for a healthy marriage - even before meeting Mr. Right?



Dr. Shuler: Consider these suggestions before meeting Mr. Right.....



(1) Increasing Your Intimacy with God helps you hear the Holy Spirit—invaluable when seeking God’s direction as to begin/end a romantic relationship.



(2) Understanding Self-Worth vs Self-Worship: Get to know yourself—honestly assess your strengths and weaknesses. Enjoy being you - If you aren’t content single, you won’t be content married. You are created in God’s image, so you are valuable with a destiny! Stop blaming your singleness on your looks, smarts, or spirituality.



(3) Loving God Regardless: A fundamental question for Christian singles is, “Will I continue loving Christ if His will for me is to remain single?” I decided to trust God, accepting the possibility that I may never marry. A little extreme, but it took the pressure off. I stopped breaking my neck to get with every new girl in church. I didn’t stop dating, but I stopped pressing the marriage issue. I just enjoyed the company of the opposite sex, letting the relationship happen naturally. So desperation wasn’t an issue when I met Brenda, which may have otherwise scared her off. So believe God wants and knows what is best for you—and God’s best for you is always right now—not yesterday or tomorrow. Don’t miss Today’s Blessing by worrying about yesterday or tomorrow.



(4) Practice Serving - “Let the greatest among you be servant of all” (Matthew 20:26). Marriage is about serving before receiving. Practice spotting spiritual gifts/talents in friends. Recognizing Brenda’s speaking ability in our first year of marriage, I strongly encouraged her to publicly speak with me in marriage seminars. She did and is a better speaker than me. Desiring your spouse reach his/her potential for Christ is key.



(5) Don’t Compare Yourself with Others—why others are married and you aren’t.



(6) God Will Bring Your Spouse to you as you focus on obeying His will. You see this frequently in the Bible.



(7) No Sex Before Marriage—pre-marital sex devastates attempts at intimacy once married, setting in motion a negative legacy. If you’ve been sexually active as a Christian, do 1 John 1:9—no more sex until marriage!



(8) Understand the Male Gender—Why it is harder to be a man today than ever before! Understand why many men have a manhood identity crisis and how it may impact his relationship with you.



(9) Observe Good Marriages.



(10) You Are Complete in Christ! You don’t have to be married to be complete!



Singlesoutloud to blog readers: Not all Christian couples enter marriage with preparation and Godly counsel, which may explain the high divorce rate even among Christians. After reading this, do you think you're ready for a healthy marriage?

To post your response, click on "comments" below:


Tomorrow, learn some practical tips on relationship skills.

Building Lasting Relationships: Getting Real About Marriage

We have a guy in the girls' locker room! But, he's in the clear. As a matter of fact, he brings some nutritious food for thought for us single gals. For the next three days, Singlesoutloud will host guest blogger Dr. Clarence Shuler who will share some insights on how to prepare for marriage - even if you still haven't met Mr. Right.


Clarence Shuler is husband to Brenda, father of 3 teenage daughters (he's the minority in their sorority), author, speaker, and life coach.

He is the President/CEO of Building Lasting Relationships, Inc (BLR). He and Brenda, conduct marriage, discipleship, men's and single seminars throughout the United States and internationally. They are members of Dennis Rainey's Weekend to Remember Marriage Speaker Team. They also taught for The Billy Graham Schools of Evangelism teaching Balancing Marriage/Family & Ministry. Clarence assists the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services (Administration for Children & Families) with its National African American Healthy Marriage Initiative. He is certified in Marriage Education for Professional Training from the University of Bridgeport.

Brenda and Clarence's BLR Marriage Seminar is available on DVD.

To find out more about how Dr. Shuler is "Taking the BLUR out of Relationships," check out his website at: http://www.clarenceshuler.org

Singlesoutloud: Dr. Shuler, you have ministered to countless numbers of Christian couples over the years. What would you say have been some of the most common marriage challenges you've come across - particularly those that could have been avoided?

Dr. Shuler: Nearly twenty-two years of marriage seminars and counseling reveal the following as marriage’s most common challenges:



(1) Pre-Marital Counseling—statistics reveal that pre-marital counseling lowers the chance of divorce by 75 percent. It helps eliminate most of the following challenges.



(2) Bringing Family Baggage (which can be good or bad)—Individuals unknowingly and unintentionally bring into their marriage. For example, one spouse says, “My Mom didn’t do it that way!” This is baggage that can be a source of conflict if not dealt with early in the marriage.



(3) Unrealistic & Unknown Expectations—people often have unrealistic and unknown expectations for their marriage and their spouse. Unrealistic: “I’ll never be lonely now that I’m married” or “My spouse’s job is making me happy.” Such a mindset can put tremendous pressure on one spouse to perform for the other spouse. And if one spouse isn’t performing to the other’s satisfaction, then affection, etc. is given based on how one spouse feels. An unknown expectation isn’t communicated at all, but is an assumption that his/her spouse should know (“If you loved me you’d know”). Some think getting married cures all of life. What a surprise when reality sets in as they discover their spouse may possess some annoying habits.



(4) No Conflict Resolution Skills—unable to resolve conflict and move on. It requires keeping short accounts of wrongs with each other and learning to fight fair. No marriage is perfect. Each demands consistent years of work.



(5) Show Me the Money—most couples consist of a spender and a saver. One believes money is made to be spent and the other that money is made to be saved. Such couples can balance each other by communicating before spending.



(6) No Marriage Goals—for some, more is invested in the wedding than planning a lifelong marriage.



(7) Transferring Primary Loyalty--from your parents to your spouse. Once married, your spouse becomes your primary relationship even before your parents. I’m not suggesting rejecting your parents. We should love them; but we shouldn’t be emotionally, nor financially dependent on our parents. Some couples may need to geographically leave family in order to establish their own new family unit.



(8) Understanding Biblical Love is an action not an emotion (Mark 14:32-42).



(9) Unconditional Love—Biblical love isn’t based on your spouse’s performance.



I’m not sure all of these challenges can be avoided or that you want to. Marriage’s goal isn’t being conflict-free, but learning how to work through conflict. Correctly working through conflict actually deepens a couple’s intimacy. Successful, mutually beneficial, and fulfilling marriages are the ones in which couples learn to effectively communicate. The Shuler motto is, “Assume nothing and talk about everything.” Becoming good or even best friends before falling in love is helpful because good/best friends tend to talk to each other about everything which is so critical in marriage. Each lasting marriage results from consistent work of listening and serving. Victory in marriage is often in the journey.



Singlesoutloud question to blog readers: Does this match or differ with your view of what to expect in marriage? To post a comment, please click on "comments" below:



Tomorrow, Dr. Shuler blogs about How to Prepare for Marriage - Even Before Meeting Mr. Right!

Best-Date-Ever Contest: WINNER

Congratulations to Debbie G. who got the most votes for her Best-Date-Ever entry! She will receive the Mary Kay eye kit - in person - I might add! Just in case you missed it the first time, here is Debbie G's dream date.

Here's to a New Friendship by Debbie G.

We went horse back riding then dinner. After riding, he took me to an ocean-view suite so I could "freshen up” before dinner. I got suspicious and before I could accuse him of trying to sleep with me, he said "OK, well I'll be back in a few hours to pick you up." He leaves and soon after, the spa calls to confirm the 1 ½ hour massage Mr. X had arranged for me. He returns, and as we waited in the lounge with several celebrities, we tried not to "act" excited, but we couldn't help it! We were hobnobbing with the rich and famous and ya know, after the day I had, I felt rich and famous. Finally our table was ready, a perfect window seat overlooking the ocean. Suddenly, another gentleman delivered a vase with two dozen red roses and a little card that read...."Here's to a new friendship."


This Monday, Dr. Clarence Shuler (author, speaker and life coach) will be our guest blogger for our three-day series on how to prepare for marriage - even before meeting Mr. Right!