Building Lasting Relationships: Get Ready NOW!
Singlesoutloud continues with day two of how to prepare for marriage - even if you haven't met Mr. Right. This could be a way to stop the divorce rate before getting married!
Dr. Shuler is back with more pearls of wisdom. In addition to his background mentioned yesterday, here is some more! He wrote the book Your Wife Can Be Your Best Friend (2000) and a follow-up to that book Keeping Your Wife Your Best Friend (2004). He has also written articles for numerous Christian magazines: Essence Magazine (July 06 & February 07), Discipleship Journal (March/April 07), among several others.
You can listen to Dr. Clarence every 2nd and 4th Wednesday night, each month on the XM Satellite program Too Much Information (Channel 169) with host Alvin Jones (11pm-1am EST).
Learn more about Dr. Shuler's ministry, Building Lasting Relationships, at www.clarenceshuler.org
Singlesoutloud: How can single Christian women prepare for a healthy marriage - even before meeting Mr. Right?
Dr. Shuler: Consider these suggestions before meeting Mr. Right.....
(1) Increasing Your Intimacy with God helps you hear the Holy Spirit—invaluable when seeking God’s direction as to begin/end a romantic relationship.
(2) Understanding Self-Worth vs Self-Worship: Get to know yourself—honestly assess your strengths and weaknesses. Enjoy being you - If you aren’t content single, you won’t be content married. You are created in God’s image, so you are valuable with a destiny! Stop blaming your singleness on your looks, smarts, or spirituality.
(3) Loving God Regardless: A fundamental question for Christian singles is, “Will I continue loving Christ if His will for me is to remain single?” I decided to trust God, accepting the possibility that I may never marry. A little extreme, but it took the pressure off. I stopped breaking my neck to get with every new girl in church. I didn’t stop dating, but I stopped pressing the marriage issue. I just enjoyed the company of the opposite sex, letting the relationship happen naturally. So desperation wasn’t an issue when I met Brenda, which may have otherwise scared her off. So believe God wants and knows what is best for you—and God’s best for you is always right now—not yesterday or tomorrow. Don’t miss Today’s Blessing by worrying about yesterday or tomorrow.
(4) Practice Serving - “Let the greatest among you be servant of all” (Matthew 20:26). Marriage is about serving before receiving. Practice spotting spiritual gifts/talents in friends. Recognizing Brenda’s speaking ability in our first year of marriage, I strongly encouraged her to publicly speak with me in marriage seminars. She did and is a better speaker than me. Desiring your spouse reach his/her potential for Christ is key.
(5) Don’t Compare Yourself with Others—why others are married and you aren’t.
(6) God Will Bring Your Spouse to you as you focus on obeying His will. You see this frequently in the Bible.
(7) No Sex Before Marriage—pre-marital sex devastates attempts at intimacy once married, setting in motion a negative legacy. If you’ve been sexually active as a Christian, do 1 John 1:9—no more sex until marriage!
(8) Understand the Male Gender—Why it is harder to be a man today than ever before! Understand why many men have a manhood identity crisis and how it may impact his relationship with you.
(9) Observe Good Marriages.
(10) You Are Complete in Christ! You don’t have to be married to be complete!
Singlesoutloud to blog readers: Not all Christian couples enter marriage with preparation and Godly counsel, which may explain the high divorce rate even among Christians. After reading this, do you think you're ready for a healthy marriage?
To post your response, click on "comments" below:
Tomorrow, learn some practical tips on relationship skills.
Dr. Shuler is back with more pearls of wisdom. In addition to his background mentioned yesterday, here is some more! He wrote the book Your Wife Can Be Your Best Friend (2000) and a follow-up to that book Keeping Your Wife Your Best Friend (2004). He has also written articles for numerous Christian magazines: Essence Magazine (July 06 & February 07), Discipleship Journal (March/April 07), among several others.
You can listen to Dr. Clarence every 2nd and 4th Wednesday night, each month on the XM Satellite program Too Much Information (Channel 169) with host Alvin Jones (11pm-1am EST).
Learn more about Dr. Shuler's ministry, Building Lasting Relationships, at www.clarenceshuler.org
Singlesoutloud: How can single Christian women prepare for a healthy marriage - even before meeting Mr. Right?
Dr. Shuler: Consider these suggestions before meeting Mr. Right.....
(1) Increasing Your Intimacy with God helps you hear the Holy Spirit—invaluable when seeking God’s direction as to begin/end a romantic relationship.
(2) Understanding Self-Worth vs Self-Worship: Get to know yourself—honestly assess your strengths and weaknesses. Enjoy being you - If you aren’t content single, you won’t be content married. You are created in God’s image, so you are valuable with a destiny! Stop blaming your singleness on your looks, smarts, or spirituality.
(3) Loving God Regardless: A fundamental question for Christian singles is, “Will I continue loving Christ if His will for me is to remain single?” I decided to trust God, accepting the possibility that I may never marry. A little extreme, but it took the pressure off. I stopped breaking my neck to get with every new girl in church. I didn’t stop dating, but I stopped pressing the marriage issue. I just enjoyed the company of the opposite sex, letting the relationship happen naturally. So desperation wasn’t an issue when I met Brenda, which may have otherwise scared her off. So believe God wants and knows what is best for you—and God’s best for you is always right now—not yesterday or tomorrow. Don’t miss Today’s Blessing by worrying about yesterday or tomorrow.
(4) Practice Serving - “Let the greatest among you be servant of all” (Matthew 20:26). Marriage is about serving before receiving. Practice spotting spiritual gifts/talents in friends. Recognizing Brenda’s speaking ability in our first year of marriage, I strongly encouraged her to publicly speak with me in marriage seminars. She did and is a better speaker than me. Desiring your spouse reach his/her potential for Christ is key.
(5) Don’t Compare Yourself with Others—why others are married and you aren’t.
(6) God Will Bring Your Spouse to you as you focus on obeying His will. You see this frequently in the Bible.
(7) No Sex Before Marriage—pre-marital sex devastates attempts at intimacy once married, setting in motion a negative legacy. If you’ve been sexually active as a Christian, do 1 John 1:9—no more sex until marriage!
(8) Understand the Male Gender—Why it is harder to be a man today than ever before! Understand why many men have a manhood identity crisis and how it may impact his relationship with you.
(9) Observe Good Marriages.
(10) You Are Complete in Christ! You don’t have to be married to be complete!
Singlesoutloud to blog readers: Not all Christian couples enter marriage with preparation and Godly counsel, which may explain the high divorce rate even among Christians. After reading this, do you think you're ready for a healthy marriage?
To post your response, click on "comments" below:
Tomorrow, learn some practical tips on relationship skills.
Labels: Preparing for Marriage
3 Comments:
What are we supposed to do with the struggle men are having with their identity?
From Dr. Shuler:
First of all, please forgive my delay in responding. I'm very technically challenged and needed help to respond.
You need to understand that most men are struggling with what it means to be a man, especially if there wasn't a man or a positive male role model in the home. Some men will over-compensate by attempting to dominate women romantically involved with him, verbally and unfortunately, sometimes physically. Here, he is hoping to mask his insecurity by power and control.
Others are just the opposite, refusing to lead because an independent-thinking woman from his perspective won't continue in relationship if he makes mistakes. Neither of these men may understand discussing issues, visions, plans for the future with his girlfriend or wife-to-be isn't a weakness but a strength.
Historically, a woman couldn't survive without a man. I felt needed as a provider and protector. This is no longer the case. So one of the issues a single man may struggle with is: "If she is making more money than me, will she really love me or stay with me until she find something better?" "How can I be a man if I can't provide for her?" I'm not suggesting women support men, but some women believe headship (which should be servant leadership) of the house is based on finances.
I just want you to understand some of his responses that may seem strange. Understanding doesn't equal agreement, but understanding usually eliminates most of the frustration. Understanding opens the door for life-changing communication.
So be careful in the battle of the sexes. I'm not telling women to be less than they are or tone down their personality, but focus on serving (because the greatest of all will be servant of all--This is what Jesus Christ did). Be careful how you reject a man or put men down in general. We hear this.
May I encourage you to ask your male friends about their relationships with their dads. You could possibly create a "safe place" where he can talk with you about such an intimate issue without feeling like less of a man. We love sharing with women because we believe you understand. Pray for a balance of helping to build up his confidence without creating a monster. The goal is to make him a better man, even if he isn't your Mr. Right. I believe that Christians should always benefit from associating with other Christians.
Expose him to mature Christian men, his peers as well as old men like me who are over 50. He may need to adopt a Christian father figure in your church.
You could also pray short specific prayers aloud with him. Don't push, just test the waters. God may use you to teach him how to pray with the opposite sex. Please no long prayers, we are already intimidated by your spiritual depth. You may want the man to be a spiritual leader, but he can't lead if he has never had that experience. So you may have to give to him what you want from him. Then, he can eventually assume this role as a spiritual leader. I share this same principle with men restoring relationships with their estranged dads. These sons often want and need to hear their dads tell them they love them; but the son often has to tell this to the dad first before the dad can say it, especially if his dad never told him he loved him.
In all of this, be led by the Holy Spirit. I'm just making suggestions. I hope they are helpful.
Blessings,
Clarence
Wow! I can't tell you how blessed I am with your words. They are so insightful and truly ordained by the Holy Spirit. For some reason, your words made me cry. I believe it is the spirit of intercession over me right now stirring me up to pray for our men in this country. They are hurting so much and we ridicule them for not stepping up to the plate instead of praying for them and being the nurturers that we should be. Thanks for sharing the heart of God for men.
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