Building Lasting Relationships: Getting Real About Marriage

We have a guy in the girls' locker room! But, he's in the clear. As a matter of fact, he brings some nutritious food for thought for us single gals. For the next three days, Singlesoutloud will host guest blogger Dr. Clarence Shuler who will share some insights on how to prepare for marriage - even if you still haven't met Mr. Right.


Clarence Shuler is husband to Brenda, father of 3 teenage daughters (he's the minority in their sorority), author, speaker, and life coach.

He is the President/CEO of Building Lasting Relationships, Inc (BLR). He and Brenda, conduct marriage, discipleship, men's and single seminars throughout the United States and internationally. They are members of Dennis Rainey's Weekend to Remember Marriage Speaker Team. They also taught for The Billy Graham Schools of Evangelism teaching Balancing Marriage/Family & Ministry. Clarence assists the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services (Administration for Children & Families) with its National African American Healthy Marriage Initiative. He is certified in Marriage Education for Professional Training from the University of Bridgeport.

Brenda and Clarence's BLR Marriage Seminar is available on DVD.

To find out more about how Dr. Shuler is "Taking the BLUR out of Relationships," check out his website at: http://www.clarenceshuler.org

Singlesoutloud: Dr. Shuler, you have ministered to countless numbers of Christian couples over the years. What would you say have been some of the most common marriage challenges you've come across - particularly those that could have been avoided?

Dr. Shuler: Nearly twenty-two years of marriage seminars and counseling reveal the following as marriage’s most common challenges:



(1) Pre-Marital Counseling—statistics reveal that pre-marital counseling lowers the chance of divorce by 75 percent. It helps eliminate most of the following challenges.



(2) Bringing Family Baggage (which can be good or bad)—Individuals unknowingly and unintentionally bring into their marriage. For example, one spouse says, “My Mom didn’t do it that way!” This is baggage that can be a source of conflict if not dealt with early in the marriage.



(3) Unrealistic & Unknown Expectations—people often have unrealistic and unknown expectations for their marriage and their spouse. Unrealistic: “I’ll never be lonely now that I’m married” or “My spouse’s job is making me happy.” Such a mindset can put tremendous pressure on one spouse to perform for the other spouse. And if one spouse isn’t performing to the other’s satisfaction, then affection, etc. is given based on how one spouse feels. An unknown expectation isn’t communicated at all, but is an assumption that his/her spouse should know (“If you loved me you’d know”). Some think getting married cures all of life. What a surprise when reality sets in as they discover their spouse may possess some annoying habits.



(4) No Conflict Resolution Skills—unable to resolve conflict and move on. It requires keeping short accounts of wrongs with each other and learning to fight fair. No marriage is perfect. Each demands consistent years of work.



(5) Show Me the Money—most couples consist of a spender and a saver. One believes money is made to be spent and the other that money is made to be saved. Such couples can balance each other by communicating before spending.



(6) No Marriage Goals—for some, more is invested in the wedding than planning a lifelong marriage.



(7) Transferring Primary Loyalty--from your parents to your spouse. Once married, your spouse becomes your primary relationship even before your parents. I’m not suggesting rejecting your parents. We should love them; but we shouldn’t be emotionally, nor financially dependent on our parents. Some couples may need to geographically leave family in order to establish their own new family unit.



(8) Understanding Biblical Love is an action not an emotion (Mark 14:32-42).



(9) Unconditional Love—Biblical love isn’t based on your spouse’s performance.



I’m not sure all of these challenges can be avoided or that you want to. Marriage’s goal isn’t being conflict-free, but learning how to work through conflict. Correctly working through conflict actually deepens a couple’s intimacy. Successful, mutually beneficial, and fulfilling marriages are the ones in which couples learn to effectively communicate. The Shuler motto is, “Assume nothing and talk about everything.” Becoming good or even best friends before falling in love is helpful because good/best friends tend to talk to each other about everything which is so critical in marriage. Each lasting marriage results from consistent work of listening and serving. Victory in marriage is often in the journey.



Singlesoutloud question to blog readers: Does this match or differ with your view of what to expect in marriage? To post a comment, please click on "comments" below:



Tomorrow, Dr. Shuler blogs about How to Prepare for Marriage - Even Before Meeting Mr. Right!