The Singlehood Phenomenon

Awhile back I received a phone call from a gal over 40 with a frantic plea, "Why hasn't God sent me my husband!?" Almost in tears and obviously frustrated and angry, she confided that a co-worker had subtly expressed an interest in her - think they call it flirting - and had thereby awakened her desire for male attention. Because this guy wasn’t a Christian, she had decided she wouldn’t let her interest in him grow.

Here I was, faced with the burning question that plagues countless of single Christian women - especially those over 35 years of age. I'll confess that I avoided answering her until she pushed it out of me after the 20th "why, why, why."

”Could it be that you're not ready?” I asked cautiously. "What do you mean?" she asked.

"Well, maybe there are some areas in your life that God wants to heal in you first," I said. She quickly fired away at my solicited rationale with examples of dysfunctional individuals who had already found their mate. She seemed confident that couldn’t be the reason.

Despite my unacceptable answer, she insisted I tell her why God hadn't sent her a husband at this late stage in her life. Up against a wall, I gave another reply, "Maybe you can find some fun things to do to while you wait. This would allow you to bring so much more into a relationship." I answered feebly. "Guys like women who exude confidence."

Like a bad streak on a game show, I could almost hear the anticipated buzzard go off. Nope, wrong answer! She didn't buy that reason either. I obviously didn’t have the answer she was looking for. Well, I don’t know if she ever found her answer because I never heard from her again.

I'm certainly not an expert and don't have the answers, but in their book "The Singlehood Phenomenon" doctors Beverly and Tom Rodgers tackle some of the possible reasons why this country has the oldest and largest singles population in history.

While I haven't read the book yet, here are the 10 reasons they give:

1. Skepticism about Love and Marriage
( I'd rather be alone than in a bad marriage)

2. Lack of Faith in God's Provision
(I'm not sure if I have a soul mate)

3. Unresolved Issues From the Past
(I always seem to attract unhealthy people)

4. Confusion About the Rules
(I don't even know how to date)

5. A Poor Understanding of the Purpose of Marriage
(I think being single may be an easier way to live)

6. Fear of Getting Hurt
(I don't want to get hurt again)

7. Wanting the Perfect Mate
(I'm not a perfectionist; I'm just picky)

8. Not Dealing with Prior Heartbreak
(I don't want to feel the pain)

9. An Unbalanced Emphasis on Career
(I want to get established before I get married)

10.Concern that My Marriage Will Fail
(I don't want to get divorced)

Like I said, I haven't read the book, but I can already identify with some of these! Maybe I should go buy the book.

Fun for Singles

What are you doing for fun this weekend? Nothing, you say? Why? Errands to run, family obligations or ministry commitments? Well, that's all important, but what are you going to say when a guy asks you what you like to do for fun? Make him yawn?I can tell you if a guy told me he only did these things, he wouldn't even register on my Richter scale.

Too cold to go outside, you say? Well, then start wiggling those extra winter pounds to an invigorating salsa tune from Marc Anthony. No money? Go to your Border's bookstore and enjoy your private concert underneath those headphones available in the music department. Get out and play!

Just because we're single, doesn't mean we're dead. There are so many fun things to do, even alone. Tomorrow, for example, I'm going to a flower park to enjoy nature and take some photos. I love photography! Tonight, I'm getting together with some friends for a pot luck dinner. This gives me a chance to "play house" while I host and entertain. Then, I'm going to dinner with some gal friends on Saturday. Admittedly, this isn't a typical weekend for me, but I always do try to schedule fun at least one day during the weekend.

From what I have observed, once you get married, your time is no longer your own. You'll have to continuously negotiate how you share it. Let's take advantage of the gift of time that single hood offers and do all the things we've always dreamed of doing (I suspect that married people secretly envy us for our gift of time).

We don't have to go out just to meet guys. Just play....

Now, what did you say you were doing this weekend? How about sharing it with us? It might just inspire someone out there.

Enjoy your play time!

Prayer for Past Hurts

Prayer can move mountains, even the walls that have gone up in our hearts because of disappointment with broken relationships. Chin up! You don't need plastic surgery to lift up that sagging countenance of years seemingly wasted on the wrong guy. God has the miracle cure!

The Bible story that comes to mind is from Genesis 29:16-30 where Jacob falls in love with Laban's younger daughter, Rachel. He falls so madly in love with her that he offers to work seven years for her father in return for marriage to Rachel. But, after seven years, Laban tricks Jacob and instead gives him the eldest daughter, Leah, who had "weak eyes and dull eyes." No beautiful Rachel!

Can you imagine how angry Jacob must have been? Is it any different from all the time and effort we put into a relationship or marriage only to find out we ended up with the wrong person?

Watch what Jacob does, though. He keeps his eyes on the prize. Jacob perseveres and works another seven years to marry his true love. Ahhhh.....Isn't that romantic? Well, not for a guy who on top of having to live with a woman whom he was deceived into marrying had to work harder for his true love. And, can you imagine how Rachel must have felt to see her sister marry her dreamboat? Have we ever been envious of our "sisters" who get married while we remain in the waiting room?

Maybe Jacob has a lesson for us. Girls, let's not allow past relationships to strangle our vision for a good future.

Abba - Daddy
Thank you for loving me so much - even before I knew you
I thank you that you showed me what you're willing to do for me - you sent your Son Jesus to stand in for my sins
Forgive me, Daddy, for not believing that you would have good things for me
I want to invite you now to come into my heart
and search for any unforgiveness or bitterness because of past hurts or disappointments
I ask you to forgive me for holding on to those hurts
I choose to forgive those who have hurt me - including myself
and I let go of any ungodly expectations I may still have because of the past
Clean up that room in my heart where I kept all the hurt
And, fill it up with your love and with Your truth (the Word)
Amen!

Prayer for Singles

Driving home tonight, I had starry-eyed images of getting home and plopping myself on the couch in front of the TV . This pleasant thought was abruptly interrupted by the Lord's prompting me to blog and pray instead! "But, I wanted to just veg tonight," I thought. It didn't matter. He began to download some scriptures and I knew that tonight I'd be skipping my date with the couch. So here goes....

Do you remember the scene in Gethsemane where Jesus was agonizing about the trial He was about to face? When He returned to the disciples three times, he found them sleeping, unable to "watch and pray so they would not fall into temptation." He asked them, "Could you not keep watch for one hour?"

When I visited Gethsemane in Jerusalem several years ago, I had what Oprah calls a "light bulb" moment. We Christians know it as the Holy Spirit. It suddenly occurred to me that Jesus' disciples may have been severely depressed after the last supper. Think about it. By then, the Lord had already hinted several times that things were about to change. They had given up everything - home, family, jobs, friends - to follow Jesus and now they sat with Him in His final moments.

I don't know about you, but when I'm depressed and disillusioned, I just want to sleep or withdraw. As single women who have never been married, we, like the disciples, have given up alot to follow Jesus. Many of us have had to face issues of purity, temptations to "settle," child-bearing issues or even ridicule for not having married yet. So, it's not uncommon to face disappointment and even depression. Our hopes become shattered dreams. It becomes difficult to hope or even find the faith to pray for our shattered dreams to come alive again.

Like Jesus said to the disciples in Gethsemane, we need to watch and pray so we don't fall into temptation, perhaps the very same temptations that up til now we have been able to overcome.

I'm not a theologian or ordained minister, just me with a prayer from the heart:

Jehovah, the self-existent One,
We praise and exalt You over our single hood
We know that you are the same God who said to Moses, "I AM WHO I AM"
And that You are the same yesterday, today and forever.
Because You do not change,
We thank you that we can count on You, the covenant-keeping God
to protect us from falling into temptation
as we walk through this path of single hood.

We speak Psalm 91 over our lives as single women.
Draw us into your shelter where we may find rest
and where no harm can come near us.
Send your angels, your ministers and Godly friends
to help us walk in your will.
Jesus, we love you

Gifts Wrapped in Brown Bags

"Dating Via Fax" stirred up a lot of good comments about how I should respond to a faxed invitation for a date. (He's on a bike tour right now, so I have some time before I decide what to do.) In one of the comments, Gloria R. stressed the importance of "understanding why I don't like this guy and the need to understand why so that we could know ourselves better." And, I agree, so I'm continuing to pray for insight on this. Who knows...it may be that God wants to show me something about myself through this encounter with Mr. Fax.

As a matter of fact, this reminds me of a blind date I had with a guy awhile back. Had I gone with my initial reaction of saying no, I would have missed an important lesson about myself.

At the time, my Christian girlfriend had just married a psychiatrist. Her new husband had a single colleague, a psychologist, about whom she raved. After she finished a litany of his qualities, I asked her thee most important question, "Is he Christian?" She said "No, but he's very nice."

Like many Christians, I'm very familiar with the scripture of being equally yoked, but for some reason, I told my friend that I would pray about whether I should allow this blind connection. When I asked the Lord about this opportunity, I felt He said I was to go out with this non-Christian, but only on one date, so I did.

Amazingly, this guy took me to a restaurant ... and paid! (Felt I had to say that because I've been sequestered on dates in coffeehouses before without any meals to sustain me through the ordeal.) Anyway, this guy was very nice, attentive, a good listener and talker, but our views on everything were on opposite extremes. While I listened to his views - some of which were actually offensive to my core Christian and civil rights beliefs - I realized that my job was not to argue or change his mind. And, for me, that was a huge step because I had a long history of wrestling men verbally.

Wow! I was free from that need to overpower men with debate until I proved I was right. So, I just listened and let it all go! Truly, it was one of the best dates I've ever had because I enjoyed my new self so much. I don't even remember what the guy looked like because it was all about me and the growth the Lord showed me through this date.

You never know what unexpected gifts are in ordinary wrappings.

Dating Via Fax

Are we being discerning or just picky when we "shut-off" to someone before getting to know them or in this case going out on a date?

Case in point. This week I received an invitation for a date VIA FAX the day before Valentine's from a man who has asked me out before. Being asked out via fax is a first for me. The first time he asked me out to the Doo Dah Parade, I thought he was just telling me about an event instead of asking me out "officially." As it turned out, I already had plans for that day.

A month later, he left me a voice mail saying he was thinking of the Feast of the Three Kings and that made him think of me. Not sure what that means, but OK, some people are creative. In any case, he wanted to know if I'd be interested in some tickets to the ice hockey game that night. At first, I wasn't sure if he was just offering me free tix or what, but when he said I could bring a chaperone, then I knew for sure that this would be a date. With the short notice, again I was not available.

Frankly, I can't find any bone in my body interested in going out with this person. There is no logical explanation, just a non-interest. I don't even know if he's a Christ-follower. I actually think I would be depressed going out with him, but I don't know why. So, is that being judgmental or discerning?

I was actually ready to email him back letting him know I'm not interested in a romantic relationship, but I caught Doug's comment (see the post under A Single's Epidemic). He raised some strong points on how we may be missing out on some good relationships because we are so quick to disregard people who don't meet our "criteria." (Doug, thanks....it's good to have a guy's perspective!)

So, instead of shooting off that "rejection" email to this man, I'm going to pray about it and see if there is something that God wants to show me, especially since this poor guy has already tried asking me out three times.

A Singles' Epidemic?

It's Valentine's Day when the spotlight is on couples in love. But like 59 million others in this country, I've caught a bug. It's called the "never-ever been married virus." Its symptoms give you a delirious feeling that you're the only single left on the planet.

It now looks as if I I'm not alone but a part of either an epidemic or an emerging "in" crowd. I recently read an article in Business Week that said it very poignantly, "We're on the verge of becoming - at least in the legal sense - a nation of singletons."

This article goes on to say, "Families consisting of breadwinner dads and stay-at-home moms now account for just one-tenth of all households." Could married folks be on their way to becoming an endangered species?

With all the pink hearts hanging from stores' ceilings today, you'd never know that singles are becoming the giants in this land. Apparently, this epidemic has never hit the country so hard. The U.S. Census Bureau (2004) says that the number of never-married women ages 30 to 34 during the period 1970 to 2000 increased more than three times (from 6 to 22 percent). Men experienced a similarly dramatic increase in singleness, from 9 to 30 percent.

Another article I bumped into (I'm not a geek or anything like that; I was just doing research for a project...seriously) said that for probably the first time, more American women are living without a husband than with one. According to this New York Times article "In 2005, 51 percent of women said they were living without a spouse, up from 35 percent in 1950 and 49 percent in 2000."

I should add that the majority of these women interviewed in the article enjoyed being single!

What about the guys? They can't stay divorced or widowed for too long. This article says that "over all, a larger share of men are married and living with their spouse - about 53 percent." Looks like they have been immunized for this virus.

On one hand, I'm glad that I'm not alone in this crowd of 59 million never-marrieds (89,000 million total singles), but I can't help wonder how and why this virus is spreading?

But.....then.....who is getting all the roses today?

Happy Valentine's Day!

Welcome Letter

Why a blog for Christian singles (women, that is)? That was my second question the morning I awoke and felt the Lord impress on me the need to blog. My first question was "What's a blog?" For confirmation that this was truly a prompting from the Holy Spirit and not a hallucination, I asked the Lord to show me more about what blogging was all about.

He was faithful and a few weeks later, I received an email about a session on blogging which I then attended. Apparently, there are alot of exciting things in the busy blogosphere!

Anyway, so back to the question, why a blog for Christian singles - especially for those of us who have never been married? When I first got the prompting for a blog, I surfed the internet for blogs by Christian singles, but I found only dating sites. But, that's not to say there aren't any out there, so if anyone out there knows of some good Christian singles blogs, I'd love to know!


So why would the Lord want a blog for us single gals? Maybe Christian singles need to get together - even if it's only in cyberspace – to encourage and pray for one another. A couple of friends and I do just that and let me tell you, it makes a world of difference! We share our funny and sad stories, our fears; we pray and hold each other accountable. We may not be able to do that with other Christians in person, but we can certainly take advantage of this new blogosphere to connect.

So, I can’t do this alone! No way. I'd like to invite you to share your ideas in the comment section on what you would like to see in Singles Out Loud. Guest bloggers? What topics? Book reviews? What topics? Funny dating stories? Interviews with famous singles? What to do when you're feeling lonely? How to have fun alone? Preparing for Marriage? Why are we still single?


GET CONNECTED!!!!!